Shut up!
Can't say that I like the idea of you being alone with him.
You're a beauty.
Everything's yours,
even if you've given it away.
- [Music Stops] - One minute silence, please.
- What for? - For all the dead books of World War I.
For Mr. Moto, Sisco Kid and me.
Muffle the drums, silence. Shh!
- [Balloon Pops] - [Yelling, Chattering]
##[Orchestra Continues]
Terrible, isn't it? That's why I sing, dance, talk...
And love.
# Oh, we danced and we sang #
#And the village bells rang #
# On the beautiful night we were married #
- [Laughing] - # Oh, the roses they bloomed #
# For the bride and the groom #
# On the beautiful night we were wed #
- Shut up! - #We were wed, Oh, the... ##
Shut up!
Sorry, sir.
Thought you'd like me to liven up this wake.
- Where'd they go? - To bed, of course.
I must say, I wouldn't like to be in her shoes tonight.
It's not her shoes he'll be in, Master Dinsdale.
- [Scoffs] - [Chuckles]
[Grace Giggling]
I always get first night nerves. Well, any good performer does.
You have to be keyed up to give a good show.
I've done it all. From Stanislavsky to strip.
Greasy makeup towels, cracked mirrors, rhinestones and beads.
What a world. I sang "This Can't Be Love."
Funny. Did the same act late at the Pigalle...
for twice the money without removing a stitch.
Of course, some women can strip without taking their clothes off.
Nobody could call me undersexed.
But I could never get worked up watching some man strip down to suspenders and jockstrap.
Well, where's the fun?
I suppose some people just prefer the smell of the steak better than the steak itself.
[Laughs] Oh, if my mother could see me now!
It's what she always wanted for me... the big time.
Well, she found it hard to settle down to civilian life...
after being in the touring company of Chu Chin Chow.
Nobody need worry about me fitting in.
All I have to do is play it cool.
I can cock my little finger with the best.
[Panting] Darling.
Darling, I'm waiting.
[Bell Ringing]
What? Oh, that's ridiculous! It's not dignified!
Dignity has nothing to do with divinity.
Not here! Not now! A bike? You're mad!
- Don't be frightened. - I'm not frightened.
I just didn't expect to see my husband riding a three-wheeled bike on his wedding night.
It's the only way to travel.
Remember,
God loves you.
God wants you.
God needs you.
Come to me.
Damn!
Well, keep pouring. I'm starving!
It was a damn long night.
All right, Tucker. I'll serve myself.
- Well, what happened? - Happened?
Last night! What'd he do?
Rode around on a three-wheeled bike.
Filthy beast!
Oh, yes. It must have been one of the guv'nor's old bikes.
The attic's full of his junk.
So... he just rode about all night then?
First the bike, then me.
- Mmm. - His mind may be wonky,
but there's certainly nothing wrong with the rest of his anatomy.
Mmm, we Gurneys are damnably virile.
I thought you'd be delighted to find out he's not impotent.
All right. Delighted.
Delighted.
'Morning.
Well, was it successful?
- I should have sold bleeding tickets. - Really, Claire!
- How could you ask that? - Well, it was your idea, remember.
If our nephew's incapable, somebody else might have to...
step into the bridge for him.
Charles, tell her to keep her sharp tongue and low mind to herself.
Oh, she has claws.
Look, this is my pad now, remember?
If you want to keep kibitzing here, just belt up on the snide remarks...
or you'll find yourself horizontal.
A position you're clearly familiar with.
- Look, you granite-faced old... - How dare you speak to me like that!
- Why can't you look at my back? - I keep telling you.
- I'm a psychiatrist. - It's just because I'm on the national health, isn't it?
Damn money-grubbers... you and your "hypocrite's" oath.
Wait a minute.
[Grace, Claire Arguing]
- Who the hell do you think you are? - Will you two shut up?
It's Dr. Herder!
I've come to offer my congratulations on the wedding.
Dr. Herder, this is Lady Grace Gurney.
How do you do, Doctor? So nice to meet you at last.
You'll stay to lunch. I want to talk to you about my husband.
- And I want to talk to you. - I'm so sorry you weren't told about the wedding,
but we didn't invite anybody except for close family.
Besides, you'd have tried to talk me out of it.
And it wouldn't have done any good. I love him.
- [Door Closes] - You should have consulted me before you went ahead.
- It's madness. - Come, Doctor.
You said he needed a harsh dose of reality.
Well, you can't get a harsher dose of the stuff than marriage.
[Dr. Herder] It can't be legal!
It's legal! My brother-in-law conducted the service. He's a bishop.
What do you say, Lady Claire?
Congratulations.
- Congratulations? - On getting your Guldenheim Grant.
Yes, congrats, old boy. I had a word with the chairman,
told him you were a sound fellow.
Sit down. Help yourself to coffee, Doctor.
You made love to me to make sure I wouldn't cause any trouble!
You seduced me to make sure the £130,000 for your schizophrenic rats.
- [Scoffs] - Don't be tiresome.
It's all right. They agreed to be cut.
See, the sunflower in the center and the roses...
and, and, and, and the three sweet williams...
and all bound in Canton evergreen for loving memory.
And I mean every word of it.
It's so beautiful. Thank you.
I have shaken the silver gong of the universe.
- Bong! - [Chuckles]
Oh, Grace, it's hard.
Love is my theme, and it frightens them,
happiness my gift, and they run.
I try to tie the air in knots...
and make mountains out of water.
It's hopeless, darling.
That's not a word in love's lexicon.
We'll hear the voice of the turtle throughout the land.
Yes. Clop, clop, clop.
[Chuckles]
[Laughing] Oh, you fool!
[Gasps]
- You fool. - [Dr. Herder] I don't like being made a fool of, Claire.
Nobody's making a fool of you.
The Gurneys must have an heir.
As soon as there is one child, we'll haveJ.C. Committed.
The only way you can change the plot, Doctor,
is by making the 14th earl of Gurney sane like the rest of us.
You haven't much time.
Lady Grace isn't the type to survive the rabbit test for long.
Your Lordship, this is the first of a series of experiments...
I'm going to conduct with your help.
Ask and thou shalt receive.
Experiment one.
What does that look like?
Is it a dragon?
A spider? What does it remind you of?
God.
And this?
God. Everything that is or ever shall be...
reminds me of me.
If it didn't remind you of you,
what would it remind you of?
An ink blot.
Your Lordship, this is a lie detector.
It will give us an objective truth.
Experiment seven.
Your Lordship, are you God?
No.
Doctor, this machine says he's lying!
For experiment 11, I've asked His Lordship to visit ward C.
That's where we keep some of the more extreme mental patients.
I'm hoping they may provide a beneficial shot.
- But isn't it dangerous? - No, no, no, no.
I have an assistant outside and inside.
Besides, you haven't given me much time,
so I'm forced to try unorthodox methods.
He's been inside for about 20 minutes.
There was a lot of shouting at first, but now... Listen.
## [Humming]
#And here we are #
#To make the wounded whole #
# Bearers of love #
# Here we are #
#To heal the sin-sick soul #
[Thunder Cracking]
Can you believe it? J.C. Has got labor pains too.
Hmm. It's called couvade. Sympathetic illness.
Psychosomatic. Not at all unusual.
Oh, but I never felt anything when Lady Claire here was pregnant.
I'm sure you didn't.
- Oh! - Oh!
Mighty Mouse is roaring.
What are you up to now?
A colleague of mine is sending you some help...
as a personal favor.
[Grace Grunts] Well, do you need us here?
Yes, but whatever happens,
you must not interfere.
I'm going to prove that it's impossible...
for two objects to occupy the same space at the same time.
Dr. Herder, Mr. McKyle is here.
- Good. Show him straight in. - Certainly, sir.
I'll just lie down on the doorstep and let him walk over me.
J.C., I am going to show you the world in the hard light of truth.
I am the light of truth,
the light of the world.
This is experiment 15.
[Thunder Continues]
Well now, shall we get on with it?
- Let me introduce you first. - Oh, there's no need.
I'm sure they all know me here.
Who else has electricity steaming from his eyeballs and from his fingers?
I'm the High Voltage Messiah.
The who?
The Electric Christ.
The AC/DC God.
You look fused.
Cannot you see the wall plug in my forehead? Here, here.
Takes everything I eat and drink and turns it into watts and kilowatts.
Are you saying you're God too?
God the one, two, three,
four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten.
Testing, testing.
Have you never seen God before?
I have, sir. I'm God.
You are not God!
You are what my snot rag's made of!
I've obliterated hundreds of dupe messiahs in my time!
You think I'd go around saying I was God if I could help it?
I've not traveled 20 million miles through galactic space...
to bandy words with your poxy moon loony who thinks he's me!
I'm here. You're there.
I'm here and there too! Do not trifle with me, laddy.
I'm Jehovah, from the Old Testament.
The vengeful god!
Away... or you'll be dropped!
But you both can't be God.
Oh, you're trying to split my mind with his tongue!
Away, laddy... or I'll burn you to a crispy noodle.
You can't touch me!
I'm the rock and the vine,
the goat, the sacred bug,
the upright testicle, the bull!
- [Glass Cracks] - [Glass Shatters]
I saw my son Jamie die.
He had a cancer at the base of his spine...
and one in his head.
They put the black spider treatment on him.
They crawled all over,
cracking the body vermin with its nippers!
[Gasping, Groaning]
I can cure your bursting.
Fire a laser beam into you to clear away the sick pus...
the sack of pus, the white pus,
- the dead fetus! - [Moaning]
But first, I must deal with yon Irishman.
- I'm earthed! - [Thunderclap]
- [Yells] - I'm dead. Recharge!
This is your responsibility, Doctor, damn you! If we lose this child...
I say, super news! Old Barrington-Cochran's dead. This means a new by-election.
- Not now, Dinsdale! - Mrs. Darby is a qualified midwife.
- She'd resent me interfering professionally. - You're not going on with this!
I won't be able to get McKyle out again. It's my last chance.
Paul! Paul, why persecute thou me!
Look, will someone please tell me what's going on here?
[Tucker] Life, Mr. Dinsdale... the rich, moth-eaten tapestry of life.
- Come on, come on. Quickly. - [Gasping]
[Grunting, Gasping Continue]
[Thunder Continues]
[Electricity Crackling]
[Dr. Herder] Right, McKyle.
Gentlemen, it's important to know...
which of you is telling the truth.
If one of you is God, the other must be somebody else.
[McKyle] I stand accused...
of not being who I am...
the hereafter named uncontested God!
I made the world in my image,
and I'm the holy terror!
The red peacock is a moth which only lives two days.
With no mouth to eat or drink,
it flies miles to love, breed and die.
Consider a life of love without one selfish act!
And they, and they put me away...
for 17 years!
Only the sick...
with spider's webs in their brains...
clack on about love...
and goodness.
I'm a brave god...
for bashing bairns' heads out on rocks!
A brave god for strong stomachs!
We are the children of light!
The children of light...
you know, are far, far away.
This is Earth, man!
One of my earliest failures!
Earth is where I dump the excrement of the universe!
- People care for love! - [Tucker] We don't want love!
We want a big, fat slice of revenge! Kiss me arse.
Tucker, you unmitigated stinker.
No god of love made this world.
I have seen a girl of four whose nails had been torn out by her father!
I have seen the mountains of gold teeth and hair...
and the millions boiled down for soap!
[Stammering]
S-S-Sometimes God...
turns his back on His people...
And breaks wind...
and the stench clouds the globe!
I am the High Voltage Man...
closer to God than you,
you sentimental clishmac-laverer!
- No, no, no, no, no! - [Shouting]
The light! The light of truth!
Here is the truth! You'reJack Gurney, the 14th earl of Gurney!
- And I'm the cock of the north! - Eloi! Eloi!
Your family tricked you into marriage. They wanted an heir.
Paternoster, Paternoster...
And if the baby turns out to be a boy,
they'll have you in a straitjacket...
before you can say another Paternoster!
I am the father... I'm splitting!
Torn, tear. Crowned. Coming out c-crowned! Born.
I am the Father!
You're the father of nothing!
- [Thunder Continues] - [Whining]
- One million volts. - [Gags]
Two million volts.
Three million volts.
Four million volts!
Five million volts!
Six million volts!
Seven million volts!
Eight million volts!
[Echoing] Nine million! Ten million!
[Heart Beating]
[Moaning]
[Gasping]
[Moaning, Gasping Continue]
[Screaming]
[Screaming Continues]
[Baby Crying]
Get out of here.
Jack.
[Whispering] What?
Jack. My name.
Yes. That's right. Your name's Jack.
- It's worked. - Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah! [Shouting] - Well done!
Jack?
My name's Jack.
- [Baby Fussing] - It's a boy!
[Claire] A boy!
Jack.
I'm Jack.
I'm... Jack.
[Thunder Continues]
# Over the winds #
# On the wings #
# Of a dove #
#Far away, far away #
# Would I roam #
- # Over the wind # - [Bishop] Vincent Henry Edward...
- ##[Continues Indistinct] - Ralph Gurney.
Hmm. I baptize thee...
in the name of the Father and of the Son...
and of the Holy Ghost.
- [Baby Crying] - Amen.
What a pair of lungs. He's a trooper.
Coochie, coochie, coochie. Oh, he's a splendid little fellow, isn't he, Bertie?
A vessel newly-filled with the Holy Spirit,
though somewhat a leaky vessel.
Leaky or not, he saved you Gurneys from extinction.
What about His Lordship?
The family came to the decision some time ago that, after certain matters were cleared up,
he'd be put away, permanently.
That was before, Charles. Everything's changed.
I hear he's improved so far, though of course he may slip back into darkness and shadow.
Sometimes it's worse, now he's not completely potty.
I mean, we've all be waiting for him to go off... tick, tick, tick, boom.
Well, we've all been extremely lucky up to now,
but with this by-election coming up,
it's getting too dangerous.
I think it would be best all around if he were put away.
[Car Engines Starting]
Be best all around if the bloody lot of you were put away.
You must realize the battle between the God of Love and the Electric Messiah...
is a tremendous breakthrough.
- Yes, but is he cured? - He's on the way to recovery.
His behavior is nearing the acceptable norm.
Frankly, I don't know if it's permanent.
I do know you mustn't have him committed.
This case could become a classic of psychology.
Freud's Anna O., now Herder's Earl of Gurney.
Call meJack!
[Hammer Clicks]
And you say he's recovering.
J-J-Jack.
A pleasant name. Jack. J-J-J-Jack.
Why are you walking like that?
- Oh. - Reasonable.
I found this in the attic.
- Why aren't you resting? - I wanted to apologize...
for not being at my son's christening.
- [Fussing] - The little devil stole the show.
I must be sure before I make my first public appearance.
Important to leave the right impression. When I r-r-r-r-relax.
[Mutters] Overall impression of superiority and volatile...
Farts! Whoredoms! Bloody network! Hold, sir. Hold, hold, hold.
How do you feel, Jack?
Lazarus felt like I feel. Odor of dung.
[Muttering Gibberish] Liquid, straight, unstable.
Back, sir. Back, back, back.
Be patient.
I'll learn the rules of the game.
- We know you will. - Well, you've changed already.
[Tucker] You wished to take a constitutional at noon, my lord.
Thank you, Tuck.
You're a valuable man, Tuck.
There are some here who don't think so, my lord.
They're just waiting to give me the boot.
You and me both, Tuck.
You must give them no cause, no cause.
[Grace] Don't stay out too long, Jack.
Just want to get the feel of terra firma.
I must learn to keep my mouth shut, bowels open and never volunteer.
Come, Tuck.
Well, has he changed or hasn't he?
- I just know he'll recover. - I want him to.
I love him so much. I know he'll forgive me for what I did.
Well, won't he?
Aren't we all rather jumping the gun just a bit?
I mean, look at the way he suddenly goes off.
"Volatile farts a'a duat." I mean, what was that all about?
Paralalia... a speech disturbance.
It'd be simpler if a man were paranoid one minute and cured the next.
Unfortunately, it takes a little longer.
So what about all this Victorian bric-a-brac he's got all over the place.
In the end, it's Her Ladyship's decision.
- It isn't. It's done. - Done?
I've asked the master in lunacy...
to come down here and certifyJack insane.
[Grace] You devious, horrible bastard!
[Gunshot]
Oh, Jack!
Do you think he's done the decent thing at last?
This could've been me.
You were waving that gun about all over the place, my lord.
Not that anybody'd care.
Nobody to weep for poor, creepin' Tucker.
- [Grace] Jack! - Well, I'm not ready for the fiery furnace yet.
Awful lot of livin' to do.
Girls by the hundreds... to name only a few.
Are you all right, Jack?
- What were you doing, Jeeves? - Guzzling. It's your job to look after His Lordship.
Oh, please help. I'm stuck in the brambles! Tuck!
- So you're still in one piece. - Oh, disappointed?
I was only trying to do what's expected.
I recall, as a sign of normalcy, our circle to slaughter anything that moves. All I did was...
- [Man Yelling] - [Birds Piping]
You bloody maniac! I've been shot!
Poachers! After him, Tucker!
Come on, you devil! Come on!
- [Shouting, Indistinct] - [Tucker] Hey, what's your name, then?
- Come on! - Get me out... Oh, you... Could, could you get me out...
Oh, Father, could you help me? I'm...
I know. I had an accident with an old gun,
a stone in my shoe, and you still think I'm insane.
- Give me time. - Time?
There's no time left.
Sir Charles has asked the master in lunacy to come here to commit you to an institution.
Naturally, I'll oppose any commitment, but everything depends on how you act.
Perhaps it's for the best.
If I satisfy the lunatic master,
I'll be officially sane and have a certificate to prove it.
But Charles has been unwise.
You'll catch your deaths out here.
Odd expression.
Will you be all right, Jack?
What a family.
Enough to send anyone round the bend.
The only sensible thing I've done in the last eight years...
has been to marry you.
There now. Well, don't stay out too long.
Charles is a bloody moron.
I'll have his guts for garters.
Soft. Softly.
Down, down. Oh, let me keep it down.
Pianissimo, damp down!
Damp down!
Down.
I'm a soft grub...
[Stuttering] Undulating.
They'll rip me open! Nail my brain to my skull!
Strom! Strom!
Grunk, grok, crunk! Fug!
Fug! That means you!
Fug! Fug!
Silence when you speak!
Silence!
Steady the buffs!
Waiter! I say, waiter!
There's a moustache in my soup!
Korkshist! Korkshist!
Korkshist! Kork!
[Birds Squawking]
[Tucker] I know the price of every article in this room.
So if there's anything missing, we'll know where to look, won't we?
Hmm?
Lordship.
It's the man from the loony bin.
He's in the library.
Watch yourself.
Right.
O'er you go, son.
[Door Opens, Closes]
[Jack] You must be Truscott, the lunatic fellow.
I'm the master of the court of protection.
The title "master in lunacy" isn't used nowadays.
Snifter? No?
You should know why I'm here.
I'll introduce myself first.
Jack Gurney, the earl of Gurney.
Sit down, why don't you?
I understand Charles considers me incapable.
And you're here to commit me officially.
Not exactly, my lord.
I make a recommendation to a nominated judge and he does the actual committing.
This investigation, however, is rather informal...
a favor to Charles.
Yours is a confusing case.
Two doctors recommend you be put under care, [Sniffs]
But Dr. Herder says you're nearly back to normal.
Of course, he is a foreigner,
and his ideas of normal may not be mine.
[Sneezes]
How do you find out about me?
You talk... I listen.
Oh. Talk. Judas T-T-T...
T-T-Talk.
Do you still believe you're Christ, my lord?
Are you God?
Come, sire. Are you the god of love?
Harrow may be more clever.
What?
Rugby may make more row.
But we'll row, row, row forever,
steady from stroke to bow.
And nothing in life will sever...
the chain that is round us now.
# Others may fill our places #
#To rest in the old light blue #
#We'll recollect our races #
#We'll to the flag be true #
# But we'll still swing together #
# Elsewhere by the best of schools #
# But we'll still swing together #
#Elsewhere by the best of schools ##
[Both Shout, Laugh]
- The old Eton boating song! - I didn't realize!
You're Kelso Truscott. The Kelso, the greatest athlete the school ever had!
- A long time ago. - Oh, no, no, no.
When one went to school, the first thing one heard were the days of your glory, Truscott.
Oh, dear, one day, apparently, you debagged the chaplain...
and hit the local constable over the head with an ebony shillelagh.
[Both Laughing]
Ah, school days, school days.
It's all ahead of you, then.
You realize, Your Lordship, the fact we're both Etonians...
can have no possible influence on my recommendation.
Of course, I find it even harder to believe now.
Now, are you the god of love?
He no longer exists.
I've been raving for eight years, Truscott.
Eight years?
That accounts for you're not being at any of the old boys' reunion dinners.
I went round saying, "God loves you.
Loves you." I'm sorry there, Truscott.
Embarrassing for a chap to remember what a spectacle he's made of himself, you know.
You seem right enough to me, but these things are deceptive.
Is there anything you feel strongly about, my lord?
My w-w-w-wasted years.
I woke up the other morning with grey hairs.
Grey hairs and duty neglected.
Our country is being destroyed.
You're mocked in the Strand if you talk of patriotism and the old queen.
Discipline's gone. They are sapping the foundations of our society...
with their adultery and fornication!
The barbarians are waiting outside with chaos, anarchy,
homosexuality and worse!
- Well? - Dr. Herder,
you said His Lordship was on the road to recovery.
- I can't agree. - There!
You're too cautious.
For my money, he's recovered.
Oh, it's absolutely marvelous! Oh!
Oh, we're so grateful to you, Mr. Truscott.
Thank you, Your Ladyship. We'll be expecting His Lordship at the next reunion dinner.
You're lucky this was only a friendly investigation, old boy.
- We take a dim view of frivolous complaints. - [Growls]
- Kelso? - Yes, Your Lordship?
I'll see you out.
- [Chattering, Indistinct] - [Charles] Truscott's a damned ass!
- Can't he see I'm right? - Right?
I've had enough of your "right."
You have stuck your aristocratic schnoz into my affairs for the last time, right?
Jack's changed, right? Everything's changed...you, me, us, them.
It's a new deal all round, right? You know what I mean?
Right? Right!
You did it, Jack. Wonderful.
Yes. He's made a spectacular breakthrough.
We're in the process of making a new man.
I'm always on the lookout for new men.
Deformed, unfinished,
sent before my time...
into this breeding world.
I'm cured of fantasy obsessions, paranoid delusions,
I master words.
L... Straighten up there.
Am... Close up with "I," you horrible, little word.
God.
I am God.
Not the god of love, but God Almighty.
I massacred the Amalekites and the Seven Nations of Canaan.
I hacked Agag to pieces and blasted the barren fig tree,
for the day of vengeance is in my heart.
[Chuckles]
You lunar jackass,
she betrayed you... guilty, guilty, guilty.
The punishment is death. I've finally been processed.
They made me adjust... to modern times.
This is 1888, isn't it?
I'm Jack.
Cunning Jack.
QuietJack.
Jack whose sword never sleeps.
Hats off, I'm Jack.
Not the good shepherd.
Not the prince of peace.
I'm red Jack, spring-heeled Jack.
Jack from hell. Trade name: Jack the Ripper.
##[Woman Singing, Indistinct]
Mary, Annie,
Elizabeth, Catherine,
Alice, Marie Kelly.
Six little whores, glad to be alive.
One sidles up toJack and then there are five.
[Panting Heavily]
[Grace] When they see how Jack's changed,
they'll spread the word, then everyone'll know he's back to normal.
[Dinsdale] Well, I don't think he is.
You're just siding with your father. Well, where is the old goat?
He's back in the library. Do you know I think he's heading for a serious breakdown?
I actually saw him reading a book.
I don't understand how you got the hunt to inviteJack to come along.
Oh, I'm still a ladyship. Sixty miles out of town,
an awful lot of cap touching and forelock tugging still goes on.
I gather that the atmosphere was a trifle strained on your last visit to Gurney Manor.
Well, it was our first meeting with His Lordship.
He asked me if I... well, if I loved him.
Your manservant heard him.
- Why did he say, "God is love"? - [Jack] Because he was mad.
- Mad with grief. My father had just died. - [Grace] Talk of the devil.
Darling, you remember Mrs. Piggot-Jones and Mrs. Treadwell.
- We've met? - [Laughing]
Why, you do remember. You asked me if I'd loved.
- Please, not in public! - I keep telling Pamela not to brood about it.
Let's have no talk of bestial orgasms, erotic tonguings.
It burns high-voltage holes in the brain.
It's been proved in oscillographs.
- My husband hates anything suggestive. - Oh.
I hear that you got Sir Barrington-Cochran to speak...
at your church fete before he passed away.
Made a splendid speech about the rise of crime. And socialism!
I shall campaign actively for the reintroduction of the death penalty.
- Bravo. - You mean there's no death penalty...
in England's green and pleasant?
- Surely you knew that... - We're a bit out of touch.
The hangman holds our society together.
He is the symbol of the great chastiser. He built this world on punishment and fear.
Snuff out fear and see what follows.
Sons strike their doddering dads.
Young girls show their ankles and bosoms and say rude things about the queen.
Anything goes, and they do it openly in the street and frighten the horses!
It's the times. What can we do about it?
- Bring back fear! - Hear, hear.
In the old days, the executioner kept the common herd in order.
When he stood on his gallows, you knew God was in His heaven, all right with the world.
The punishment for blaspheming was to be broken on the wheel.
First, the fibula, crack. Then the tibia, patella and femur, crack, crack, crack!
Then the corpus, ulna and radius, crack!
# Disconnect dem bones Dem dry bones #
- #Now hear the Word of the Lord # - # Hear the Word of the Lord #
#Well, your head bone's connected to your neck bone #
# Your neck bone's connected to your shoulder bone #
#Your shoulder bone's connected to your backbone #
# Your backbone's connected to your hipbone #
# Your hipbone's connected to your thigh bone #
- # Now hear the Word of the Lord # - # Hear the Word of the Lord #
# Dem bones, dem bones gonna walk around #
# Now hear the Word of the Lord #
# Disconnect dem bones Dem dry bones #
# Now hear the Word #
# Of the Lord ##
- [Horse Whinnies] - Ladies and gentlemen, we understand each other perfectly.
Breeding speaks to breeding.
[Horn Blowing]
- [Horse Whinnying] - [Mrs. Piggot-Jones Laughing]
He's so impressive, Your Ladyship, isn't he?
A little eccentric on the surface, but deep down sound.
[Mrs. Treadwell] He is so like his father. Gets more like him every day.
It's frightening.
[Dogs Barking]
[Horn Blowing]
[Laughs] God's blessing...
and send you a fine, fat fox.
[Barking Continues]
- Join me for a cigar, Dinsdale. - No, thank you, Jack.
It's up the wooden staircase to Bedfordshire for me.
Don't be too long, darling. I'm just going to kiss littleJack good night.
[Door Opens, Closes]
##[Tucker Singing Drunkenly]
- ##[Singing Continues, Indistinct] - Listen.
Tucker's singing.
You were wonderful at the hunt today.
I'm still not word perfect...
all the talk of bestial orgasms.
It wasn't what you said. It was your manner that won them over.
I stand outside myself,
watching myself watching myself.
I smile, I smile,
I smile.
I like your smile.
Before, I was only sorry for you.
Oh, before, madam.
Before, I was a mass of light.
Mad, you see.
Now I am sane.
The world sweats into my brain, madam.
Don't keep calling me... madam.
It's hard to look at people from downwind. They stink.
It's terrible, but it's the real thing.
I've always wanted to find the real thing.
- Do you remember our first talk together? - I remember nothing.
"Explode. Only feel," you said.
Oh, poorJack.
Why do you remember now what I said then...
when I don't remember myself?
Because you're so different.
I'm trembling...
like I used to tremble at shadows when I was a child.
I am no shadow.
I'm flesh and blood.
Touch.
Perhaps I'm not really dead,
only sleeping.
Wake me... with a kiss.
Are you accosting me?
That's right, ducks. 'Ow's about it?
[Man Shouting, Indistinct]
[Shouting Continues]
##[Piano]
Jack.
Yes?
Are you pleased this has happened?
We were destined to meet.
That sounds romantic.
More. Please.
- [Chattering, Laughing] - Orgasm, copulation.
Fornication, gangrened shoulder of sex.
Tear, spill the seed, gut-slime.
I know some women like being stimulated by dirty words and filthy talk, but I don't.
Flesh lusteth against the spirit.
- [Whispers] Run, Mary, run! - [Laughing]
You're talking nonsense again, Jack.
You'll be nicked down to your bloody membrane, Mary.
Say something soft and tender.
Calves, tender tongues,
earlobes, hearts,
tits, nipples.
[Claire Giggling] Lover.
The sword of the lord is filled with blood.
Stop talking, Jack. Make me immortal... with a kiss.
- ##[Piano Continues] - [Laughing, Chattering Continue]
[Claire] I'm alive!
[Woman Screaming]
- What's going on? - Who's that?
- What is she doing? - Is she dead?
- Yes! - Get back, everybody!
[Chattering Continues]
- [Women Crying] - [Whistle Blowing]
[Woman] It's Jack the Ripper!
##[Tucker Singing]
## [Singing Drunkenly, Indistinct]
[Singing Stops]
Ah, Lady Claire. Are you quite comfortable, madam?
Stoned, eh? All right. Well.
Could I be of assistan...
One less! Praise the Lord! Hallelujah!
- [Door Opens] - Hallelujah!
[Tucker Hooting] Yippee!
[Hooting, Shouting Continue]
[LittleJack Crying]
- Halleluj... - What's go...
- Good God! - [Grace Gasps]
All right. Who's the impudent clown...
responsible for this?
The super had a word with him before he left. He's a close friend of Charles Gurney's.
- Tricky, sir. - There's to be no publicity, and he wants it wrapped up quick.
- [Tires Screeching] - [Siren Wailing]
[Siren Stops]
[Man On Radio, Indistinct]
[Bertie] We, therefore, commit our dear sister's body to the ground.
- [Bell Tolling] - Earth to earth...
Vladimir Ilyich Lenin.
Chairman Mao Tse-tung.
So that's his little game.
Ah, she was beautiful as Taza and comely as Jerusalem.
And now she's gone, down, down, down.
Up, up, up she flies!
Her soul flies up.
Surely you believe she's gone to another place...
to enjoy even greater privileges than she had on Earth.
Yes, well, I have to, Jack. After all, I am a bishop.
I think of her so fondly,
n-n-not her terrible death.
There, there, there. Forgive an old man's wavering.
Lean on me. Trust God's judgement.
There, there, dear boy.
Y-Y-You make an old man ashamed.
You have been such a great, great source of strength to me, Jack.
[Chuckles] And I won't forget this, my boy.
I won't forget this. Hmm.
Mmm, Jack, you were the instrument that restored my faith.
L-l-l-I feel reborn.
L-l-l-I found the way again... the way!
[Mutters] Come, my boy.
Let me walk... humbly, w-w-w-with my God!
My God. Yes.
How could anything like this happen to us?
- What was Mother thinking of? - Not in front of strangers.
Pull yourself together, Dinsdale.
Brockett, why aren't you running this animal to earth?
Oh, don't you worry, sir. We'll get him.
But there's still a few points I'd like to clear up.
Now, we know the butler found the body just after the killer left by the French windows.
And when you came in a moment later, sir, where was he standing?
- Who? - Well, the baby's asleep. What are you lot doing?
This is Her Ladyship. He wants to know how we found Tucker beside Claire's body.
- Oh, here, like the hokey-cokey. - The hokey-cokey?
Yes, you know, the hokey-cokey.
[Clock Chiming]
- Now, why would he be doing anything like the hokey-cokey? - He was drunk.
Senile old fool. He should have been booted out of here years ago.
But he's not the only one you should check. What about my nephew?
Oh, I think that's rather disgraceful, Father.
Charles, you've been through a lot, but I warn you.
I'm not saying he is involved, but...
But? I'll give you but!
Charles, you're not doing this for Claire. You're doing it because you're jealous...
because I love my husband.
Madam, you'll never be a Gurney.
I'd rather be dead!
Is this the way to behave in the presence of death?
Ah, forgive them, Jack. Forgive them, my boy.
They know not what they do.
I think I'll sit here again. Thank you.
[Muttering]
Dinsdale, shouldn't you answer those letters of condolence?
- Nonsense. Let 'em wait. - No, no, no, no. Jack's right.
Creates a good impression. Takes my mind off things.
It's been a bad day for me, what with one thing or another.
My lord, there are still a few details I'd like to clear up.
Now on the night of the murder, you talked with Lady Claire till 11:30.
How was she when you left her?
- Unhappy. - Oh? Why's that?
Damn it, Brockett, what the devil does it matter how my wife was feeling?
[Sighs]
You went straight up to bed and heard nothing?
I thought I heard Tucker singing.
Uh-huh.
But he said he didn't leave the kitchen till 12:00. Odd.
An important question, my lord. Now think hard, now.
Has anything unusual happened here recently?
Anything out of the ordinary?
Your Ladyship?
Sir Charles?
Bishop?
##[Tucker Singing Drunkenly]
Get him, Fraser.
[Tucker] What's this? What are you doing?
All right. All right, all right!
What's the idea? I've got a plane to catch.
- You going somewhere, Tucker? - Mr. Tucker, flatfoot.
Looks like it, don't it? It's cocktails and champagne for yours truly.
Gay Paree where all the girls say, "Oui, oui."
- A bit sudden, isn't it? - I'm a creature of impulse, Your Ladyship.
You're not going anywhere, Tucker, me lad. I got questions I want answerin'.
Now, why were you found standing like this beside the body, eh, eh?
Shock. That's it. Shock.
Shock. I'll give you shock, me lad.
- I told you all I know. - Oh, have you?
Daniel Tucker, alias Alexei Kronstadt.
Party member number 243.
- Murdering swine. - Jeeves a Bolshie?
- You're a Red. - What if I am?
What's it to you how I spend my leisure time, flatfoot?
You're a suspect in a murder case. You've concealed certain facts about yourself.
- What else are you hiding, Tucker? - Suspect?
A suspect?
This is old Tuck, Your Lordship.
All talk, no action.
I couldn't commit a crime if I wanted. I'm not the type.
You told me you discovered Lady Claire's body just before the others came back.
Yet His Lordship here swears he heard you down here in this room a half hour before.
[Sighs] Oh, no. Oh, you're wrong about that, my lord.
If thy hand offends thee, cut it off.
Say something for me, Your Lordship.
Tell him you're wrong. You're the only one that can help me.
Why, you always was my favorite, MasterJack.
The old earl, just before he died, said,
"Look after that feebleminded idiotJack for me, Tuck."
I could have gone, but I stayed.
Tuck, it was you.
Spawned out of envy, hate, revenge, you killed her!
Oh, Dan, Dan, you dirty, old man! Inspector.
- Daniel Tucker, I must warn you... - Judas Jack Iscariot!
You've sold me down the sewer.
You're just like all the rest of them.
But I know why.
You did it.
You and Sir Charles, standing there like a pickled walrus.
You Gurneys don't draw the line at murder.
Upper-class excrement!
You wanna do me dirt, just because I know too much.
I know that one percent of the population owns half the property in this country.
And that vomiting one percent wants kosher killing,
hung up so the blue blood drains out slow and easy.
So, comrades, come rally...
and the last fight let us face.
The international army unites the human race.
# I'm only a strolling vagabond #
# So good night, pretty maiden #
- Ah, it's what I've always said. - # Good night #
- ##[Continues, Indistinct] - You can't give the working class money.
If he hadn't had that £30,000...
Fancy... old Jeeves.
[Grumbling]
My lord, I'd like to say what a pleasure it's been meeting you.
- Well, it couldn't have been easy. - It wasn't.
But you realized I was only doing me job.
You've shown me what "noblesse oblige" really means.
- [Siren Wailing] - [Man On Radio, Indistinct]
[Tires Screeching]
[Dr. Herder Speaking In German]
Cut up like meat.
En garde.
[Laughs] No, no. I cured you.
You couldn't turn violent. You believe, more or less, what other people believe.
Your job's done, Herr Doctor. I'm adjusted.
I brush my teeth twice daily and smile.
No, you call that being adjusted, hmm?
Behavior, which would be considered insanity in a tradesman,
is looked on as mild eccentricity in a lord.
I want to know about Claire.
She's dead, Doctor... one of the facts of life.
- I know that. - She's turning to slime, Doctor.
- She's stinking pus! - I don't need to know that!
Then kindly leave the stage.
- You killed her. - A touch.
You... killed her!
You killed her!
[Jack] A swordsman worthy of me steel.
Didn't we meet at Heidelberg?
You killed her!
[Whimpering]
You were fornicating lovers! Sperm dancers!
It's a lie!
Lady Claire meant nothing to me.
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
You killed her!
You cured me!
I was a pale moon loony. You changed me into a murderer.
- Is that what you're saying? - Yes.
No! Yes!
- May God forgive me! - Never!
What proof have you?
I don't need proof. I know.
Physician, heal thyself.
You suddenly know against all the evidence.
You don't need proof from anybody or anything.
This monstrous belief of yours that I'm guilty is a clear case of paranoia.
I've heard of"transference," Doctor, but this is ridiculous.
If they ask about me at the trial, tell them the truth.
- What truth? - That I'm 100% normal.
- Touche, Herr Doctor. - [Whimpers]
[Cane Clatters]
He's right.
He is normal.
It's only a feeling.
I can't rely on feelings.
Everything he's done conforms to a classic recovery pattern.
His occasional lapses are normal.
His trying to blackmail me into saying he's completely normal is normal.
Claire's death,
one of those terrible ironies...
nothing to do with the case.
Unpleasant as he is,
the good lord's... himself again.
[Whimpers]
My head's splitting!
I've had an abdomen full of the upper classes!
Claire.
I should have specialized in heart diseases.
Cock-a-doodle-do.
Scheisshund!
He made me deny you.
Cock-a-doodle-do.
Cock-a-doodle-do!
- Cock-a-doodle-do! - [Dog Barking]
Ah, good, good.
Only a small item on page three today. Uh...
- What are you doing? - I'm still answering these letters of condolence.
- Damn. Let 'em wait. - No, no. Jack's right. It's my duty.
Oh, now it's Jack this, Jack that.
Jack, let's take off. It's been hell here. We need a holiday.
- Good idea. - No. I'm taking my seat in the House of Lords.
A... What?
What, now? So soon after your illness?
Well, I mean, are you ready for them?
Are they ready for me, madam?
We're going to work as a team once I'm elected.
Jack in the House of Lords, me in the other place.
We think alike about a lot of things.
That's asking for trouble.
Fine spectacle he'd make, gibbering in the Upper House.
[Grace] You're so bloody tactful, Charles.
Look, ifJack thinks he's ready for them, then I'm with him all the way.
- Me too. - It's out of the question!
Who asked you a question?
Did you ask him a question?
Nobody asked a question, so I'll ask a question.
Who is the head of the Gurney family?
Uh... you are, Jack.
Then don't let me hear you answering unasked questions again!
Don't make a complete ass of yourself, Father.
From now on, just shut up, Charles.
Your brain's silting, Charles.
- Don't talk to me like that! - It's over, finished.
- [Snickering] - And stop sniggering, you young pup!
- I'm not sniggering, Father. - I know sniggering!
Oh, it'll happen to you one day.
Suddenly you'll be standing there and... nobody's paying any attention to you.
You start coughing, and your mouth goes dry.
Wipe watery, dribbles away. It's hard!
Because inside you're still, you're still 21!
But your feet go flop, flop, flop!
[Gasping]
[Woman On Radio, Indistinct]
- [Siren Wailing] - Oh, it's hard. Inside, one's still 21.
There now, Father. That's enough, that's enough.
You've had a good innings, but it's milk-rusks and beddy-byes for you now.
Oh.
## [Humming]
You're more than just cured, Jack.
You've got that something extra...
what we call star quality.
It will be a triumphant climax.
Talking of climaxes,
you were a lot more loving when you were potty.
- Do you still love me, Jack? - Of course I do, Annie.
Annie? Well, why Annie?
Annie, Elizabeth, Catherine, Alice, Marie Kelly...
- Jack, you're not going off again... - Oh, it's nothing, my dear.
I have a big day ahead of me.
I'm speaking in the House of Lords.
Oh, don't worry. It's only nerves.
- You'll kill 'em. - In time.
Then you'll get around to me, I hope.
Promise.
Oh, Jack.
Oh, you're so lovely when you smile.
Oh, Jack.
Must get my grunch thoughts in order, pro and contra.
Well, don't worry. You're one of them, only more so.
Just be your own sweet self, and they'll adore you as I adore you.
- Jack. - See if the car is ready.
Annie.
[Growling]
[Growling Intensifies]
[Screaming]
[Screaming Continues]
##["Pomp And Circumstance"]
[Both Muttering Gibberish]
[Men Shouting Names, Dates, Indistinct]
English pigs! Arse lickers!
[Indistinct]
I've done nothing! I want justice!
I, Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred,
Earl of Gurney,
do swear by Almighty God...
that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance...
to Her Gracious Majesty,
her heirs and successors, according to law,
so help me God.
My lords, my lords,
I wish to call attention to the grave disquiet throughout the country...
- at the increase of immorality. - [Lords Together] Yes.
My lords, my lords,
I must support the noble lord.
For 13 years, there has been no flogging,
no hanging and a steadily rising volume of crime, lawlessness and thuggery.
- [Lords Agreeing] - I believe that the sissy treatment of young thugs...
- is utterly wrong! - [Lords] Hear! Hear!
My lords, we must step up the penalties...
by making hanging and flogging the punishment for certain state crimes.
The criminal must be treated as an animal.
[Lords] Hear! Hear!
My lords,
I had doubts about speaking here.
But after what I've heard, I realize...
this is where I belong!
My lords, these are grave times, killing times.
Stars collapse, universes shrink daily,
but the natural order is still crime, guilt, punishment!
There's no love without fear!
By His hand, sword, pike and grappling-hook,
God, the crowbar of the world,
flays, stabs, bludgeons, mutilates...
just as I was...
If... B-B-B...
You... have... forgotten...
how to punish, my noble lords.
The strong must manipulate the weak!
That's the first law of the universe.
The hard survive, the soft quickly turn to corruption.
This is a call to greatness!
Approach this day out to battle against your enemies.
Let not your hearts faint,
fear not and do not tremble,
neither be ye terrified because of them.
For the Lord your God is He that goeth with you...
to fight for you against your enemies to save you.
And mine eyes shall not spare, neither will I have pity.
I will recompense them according to their ways...
and their abominations that are in the midst of them.
And they shall know that I am the lord that smiteth!
[Loud Cheering]
[Dinsdale] You're one of us at last!
Well done, Jack!
# Onward Christian soldiers #
# Marching as to war #
#With the cross ofJesus #
# Going on before #
# Christ the royal master #
# Leads against the foe #
# Forward into battle #
# See His banners go #
# Onward Christian soldiers #
# Marching as to war #
#With the cross ofJesus #
# Going on before ##
# Rainbow in the sky #
#The sunshine in my eyes #
#You're everything to me #
# Oh, myJack #
#The silver running stream #
#The lazy summer dream #
#You're everything to me #
# Oh, myJack #
#You're my world, you're my life You're my dream come tru... ##
[Grace Screaming]
[Screaming Continues]
- [Screaming Stops] - [LittleJack] I'm Jack!
I'm Jack!
#Hey, down on your heels Up on your toes #
#See how it feels See how it goes #
#Everybody do the varsity #
#Drag ##